Default vs designed expectations: write your own stories!
/By Duncan Anderson. To see all blogs click here.
One sentence summary:
happiness = reality - expectations
where expectations = the stories we tell ourselves
the stories we tell ourselves are all powerful
the right story can make an event energising
the wrong story can make the exact same event draining
no one can tell you want you like, you get to decide :); so I recommend being wary of accepting the default stories society tells, instead try making your own stories, ones that work for you!
Key terms and definitions:
Interchangeable words: stories / narrative / values / culture / expectations
Scrumptious = delicious + nutritious
‘Storied Model’:
1. Stimulus
=> 2. Story about Stimulus
=> 3. Perception of Stimulus
=> 4. Response / Reaction to Perception of Stimulus
=> 5. Outcome
Without realising it, “bad outcomes” in our lives may be due to counterproductive stories we are telling ourselves. Our responses are often ingrained, so it may be easier to change the story itself, rather than the reaction to the story. 2000s Duncan had no idea that I was even telling myself certain stories. Finding that it was possible to change the stories I told myself and that this could change bad outcome to good outcomes was revelatory for me! One of the best ways I’ve found to help myself is to be great at finding the stories that are attached to events, people, work, etc. You want to be great at navigating your way to the story. Or a great Narrative Navigator :)!
One of the best ways I’ve found to help others is to be narrative navigate with them too! All aboard the narrative navigator :)!
“Changing how you respond with the world is often as good as changing the world.” Sam Harris
“Everything begins and ends in the mind.” Andrew Moffat.
IMO stories fundamentally affect how we perceive and interact with the world. Don’t labour under an inherited ‘nightmare’ story, build a beautiful story ‘eutopia’ for yourself.
Default vs designed stories / values. We are all unique in our own way, so default stories / values might not be right for you! A good life is unlikely to be handed to you, but I think you can design one :)!
Jingle: don’t let negative narratives nail you, build scrumptious stories to succeed by!
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Theory:
I have made this model as a lens to understand where good and bad outcomes come from. I’m calling it the ‘Storied Model’. Storied = celebrated. Honestly, the number of times that examining the stories that underlie outcomes has helped improve my life needs to be celebrated… and turned into a story though this blog :)!
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Storied Model:
1. Stimulus
=> 2. Story about Stimulus
=> 3. Perception of Stimulus
=> 4. Response / Reaction to Perception of Stimulus
=> 5. Outcome
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Comment:
One key lever to change ‘5. Outcomes’ in my life I wasn’t aware of 5 years ago is to change the ‘2. Stories about Stimuli’ we tell ourselves.
I’ve personally found it is much easier to change the ‘2. Story about Stimulus’ than it is to change my ‘4. Response to Perception of Stimulus’.
Let’s say there is a bad outcome in your life, here is a decision tree to for how to use the ‘Storied Model’:
If a bad outcome is occurring where the stimulus is another person’s actions what can you do?
Strategy 1: you can note the bad outcome and do nothing.
Strategy 2: if the outcome is bad enough then remove it from your life by not seeing that person anymore.
Strategy 1 & 2 were basically how I operated for the first 20 years of my life.
Strategy 3: give feedback to the person about their actions to change the stimulus
When I first started trying this I normally ended up in a worse place than where I started. Eg I bought things up in a counter productive way so that maybe the person I was bringing things up to wasn’t part of my life after :(. 20 Year Old Duncan was not the greatest communicator (honestly I find comms hard, I think I’m much better than I used to be… but I also hope to be able to get massively better at communicating indefinitely)
Strategy 4: change my ‘4. Response to the Stimulus’.
Be mindful, just accept it!
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
While there are definitely things one should accept, I don’t think you should accept everything! Somethings are crap and should be changed.
“The reasonable person adapts themself to the world: the unreasonable person persists in trying to adapt the world to them. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable person.”
Not only do I think it’s ok to not accept everything, I think you should actively not accept some things! I don’t plan to ever rest trying to make education better. I don’t plan to ever stop trying to make myself better (although not all day every day, one must have some downtime :) ).
Strategy 5: change my ‘3. Story about the Stimulus’
When I figured this out is was REVELATORY! Seriously, things became 10x easier!
“Don’t treat the symptom, treat the cause.” It all of a sudden felt like I had been totally misconceiving the problem, Strategies 3 & 4 were often ‘treating the symptom’ in hindsight IMO. I was like ‘ Duncan you silly billy, you’ve been doing it all wrong!’
Now I find trying to articulate the story behind an outcome, work, others, politics, so so so much fun. I’ve found that it’s really hard to do and that I should try to constantly update the story that I’m saying. I don’t believe this will ever be done.
Basically I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to 100% articulate the story behind anything, it’s just a process of constantly updating the story over time (hopefully with the help of others). Fun fun fun.
Strategy 6: helping others understand the ‘3. Story they have about the Stimulus’ and understanding if it is serving them well or not.
You need to bring things up in a very amenable fashion obviously, but if people believe you are trying to help them AND you use tone that is ‘provoking thought’ (see ‘talking taxonomies’) then I’ve found you can do this.
It’s giving a present to them and to yourself.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
“You need to give someone enough rope to look good changing their mind.” AOC
The ‘Storied Model’ from a different lens:
Let’s say there is a person exhibiting behaviour (stimulus for you) that is causing you to be sad. What can you do?
A. You could remove the ‘1. Stimulus’ (person) from your life
B. You could ‘respond not react’, changing how you ‘4. Response / Reaction to Perception of Stimulus’.
C. You could change your ‘3. Perception of Stimulus’ of the ‘1. Stimulus’ by changing your ‘2. Story about Stimulus’.
D. You could try to have the person originating the stimulus to stop creating it through either ‘B’ or ‘C’ above.
Comment:
My interactions are almost never 100% positive. Be it with myself, my work, my friends, my family etc. ie I have some percentage positive and some negative with basically everything in my life.
I’m typically aiming for 75%+ of interactions to be positive : negative (ie the level of ‘positive sentiment override’). However each area of my life carries a different sufficient positive sentiment override point. That is the level of ‘positive sentiment override’ is not necessarily 75%, some areas it’s 60%, others 90%. The point I’m trying to make is that, for me, the acceptable level is not ‘100%’ basically anywhere.
Let’s say that a certain relationship is 70% good and 30% not good and you want to get to 80% good : 20% not good. Now every problem is different, but typically the easiest way I’ve found to turn a negative interaction into a positive one is to either:
‘C’ change my ‘2. Story about Stimulus’ or
‘D’ change the other person’s ‘2. Story about Stimulus’.
Ie update my or the other person's values / expectations / narrative / story.
THIS WAS REVELATORY!!!! I’ve typically found that changing how I ‘4. Responded to Perception of Stimulus’ is like swimming against the tide (ie very hard to do); but that changing my ‘3. Perception’ of the ‘1. Stimulus’ through changing my ‘2. Story about Stimulus’ is like ‘changing the direction of the tide’. Ie typically it’s WAY WAY easier for me to have a different ‘5. Outcome’ from a ‘1. Stimulus’ through changing ‘the story’ vs through ‘changing response’.
Over my time, I’ve found that I had a lot of counterproductive stories / values / cultural narratives / ect rattling around my head. I’ve slowly been trying to examine them and have them work for me, not against me.
Also, I’ve found that it’s possible to speak to others about the stories in their heads and if they agree that the story doesn’t make sense, they can change the stories they tell themselves which then hopefully changes their outcomes to stimuli.
Woot woot OMG OMG. I basically realised that for a very long time I had not been seeing that often the root cause of an issue was the story in someone’s head!
Where do our stories come from? And how can we help write our own stories?
“Culture (expectations) happens by default or by design”
Happiness = reality - expectations
Expectations = 1. Either you take expectations from society (socio-cultural indoctrination) or 2. You make your own expectations
Expectations = values / rules / principles / etc etc.
I think the two of the key questions one should try and answer are:
1. What does it mean for me to live a good life?
2. What is the common good and how can I help with this?
One definition of a ‘good life’ that I like is ‘to make your own values and live by them’. I think I made up that definition :).
I think basically all parts of life come wrapped in stories from society AKA socio-cultural indoctrination.
What does it mean to be a good person?
What is family?
What a romantic relationship should be?
Is it cool to try hard at school?
Should we have capital punishment?
Is same sex marriage a good idea?
Etc etc.
Examples:
1. In many parts of the middle east drinking alcohol is illegal. So often westerners think ‘why aren’t people in the Middle East going and having drinks every friday?’ And people in the Middle East think, ‘why do these westerners go and drink every friday? It can’t be fun being hungover every saturday?’
2. Let’s say you are born in Salt Lake City, there is very high chance you are going to be a Mormon and think polygamy is the way to go. If you are born in Australia you likely don’t think polygamy is the done thing.
3. You are born 300 years ago in England and think that public hangings for ~200 crimes is totally fine… but born today and you likely think there is no reason the state should have capital punishment.
These examples have some relatively stark contrasts, more nuanced narratives below. The point is ‘sociocultural indoctrination’ is a real thing, ie you are fed stories from the minute you are born. These stories permeate basically all parts of your life.
A taxonomy of values creation:
L1: I'm not aware of the rules & principles of the stories that permeate the society I live in
L2: I am aware of the prevalent socio cultural story and passively or actively live by the principles
L3: I have pushed back on some parts of the standard story. Ie I am starting to decide what works for me
L4: I am aware of multiple stories (ie multiple different doctrines, not just the main prevalent one of the society I live in today) and I pick and choose the parts from multiple doctrines that work for me
L5: I create my own values. Ie I am not just taking from existing doctrines, I’m creating my own values to augment existing values I have actively chosen
L6: I help others move up L1-L5.
“No one can tell you what you like, you get to decide :)!!!”
Honestly, for me, this is one of the things that makes life so much fun.
I get to learn about myself and the world and change my view of the narrative / story that I think makes the most sense for me and others.
“Be the change you want to see.” Gandhi.
I don’t think you should be forcing your views onto others, but hopefully provoking thought! I hope this is how these blogs come across. They are thought experiments for me (I hope to continually evolve and change my views on everything) and hopefully thought provoking for others.
Jingle: don’t let negative narratives nail you, build scrumptious stories to succeed by!
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Examples:
Exemplar expectations (stories)
‘Doing well at work is getting 100% and being seen to get 100%’ vs ‘doing well at work is maximising trajectory and having people have an accurate view of your strengths and weaknesses so they can trust you and help you improve your trajectory’
‘Sales is a dirty thing’ vs ‘Sales is helping someone do something they didn't yet know they wanted to do’
Work: how I moved this from draining to energising
A good manager is the best at growing a direct report, not the best at helping a direct report
‘Any time not working / reading is wasted time’ vs ‘for machines downtime is a bug, for human’s it’s a feature’.
Exercise: how I moved this from draining to energising
Conversation story: trying to move from draining debates to energising discourse
Bad story:
Pick a side and debate:
You don’t learn, you end up trying to strawman each other and have negative sum emotional tank outcome
Good story
You aren’t out to prove your view right, you are out to learn
You both know more at the end of the discussion and have emotional tank more full. Positive sum interaction.
Child vs romantic partner: how the same ‘stimulus’ can have totally different outcomes
What grade on the assessment did I expect?
‘Doing well at work is getting 100% and being seen to get 100%’ vs ‘doing well at work is maximising trajectory and having people have an accurate view of your strengths and weaknesses so they can trust you and help you improve your trajectory’
In much of the existing High School systems doing well means getting 100% on a test.
However in many white collar jobs you need to learn on the job so the key thing is that you can do more in a year vs today.
To do more in year means that your trajectory of growth is as high as possible.
Zone of proximal development:
“You learn nothing if you get 100% right or 0% right”
“Getting something wrong once is not a problem, getting the same thing wrong multiple times is a problem.”
To maximise growth it’s often right to have people getting 50% right.
And then for people to be able to recognise ‘if I did this again, how would I be able to do this to get 100%’.
If you want to help people (done well helping others is helping ourselves and the company you work for) then people need to know where to help.
So if you are not able to be vulnerable and show where you don’t understand others can’t figure out how to help.
“Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of self awareness.”
Ok, so IMO the main story of doing well in High School (ie getting 100%) is not the story of how to do well in most white collar jobs. Getting 100% on a test doesn’t necessarily mean learning has happened. So we need to change the story in people’s heads!
‘Sales is a dirty thing’ vs ‘Sales is helping someone do something they didn't yet know they wanted to do’
For some reason I think sales has quite negative embedded connotations.
However I think in some respects everything is sales! Eg
If you are teaching Year 7 Science and you have student who doesn’t want to try, helping that student find the motivation to try is ‘sales’. Ie it’s ‘helping them do something they didn’t yet know they wanted to do’.
You are applying for a job at a company and have an interview, you want the company to hire you. So you are selling them on why to give you the job.
You talk to a friend about a great book you have read, you are selling them on the idea of reading the book.
Convincing your child to eat their greens.
So sales done well = helping someone do something they didn't yet know they wanted to do
Sales done poorly = convincing someone to do something they shouldn’t do
Edrolo only:
IMO at Edrolo we don’t want to have a school buy if the product doesn’t work for them. This might be because the product has issues and we need to change something OR it might be because they are not ready or any other myriad of reasons.
IMO getting someone to do something they shouldn’t do is in the long term not good for them or the person person doing the sales!
However, IMO sales done well is a gift, it is not dirty!
DA’s stories around work: how I moved this from draining to energising
Past:
I found what I learned at school and uni very boring, I only did it as I wanted to get a higher paying job because ‘higher paying job > lower paying job’.
I thought work would be the same, an imposition on my time that I wouldn’t do if I had the money to retire.
The story: work < hanging out with friends and / or relaxing = work is draining and therefore the best job was the highest paid job.
Now
I didn’t realise this at 22 but work can make the world better. I strongly believe I do this for my work.
Work can be interesting. I love learning about management, about education, about communicating with people, and on and on. I basically find the vast majority of things I do at work interesting now! This is a big change from before where learning was only done to get paid more, now learning is so I can help improve the world more. Ie the story has changed.
The story = 1. Work that makes the world better * 2. Work where I get to learn about how to make the world better and put it into action > more energising than hanging with friends and relaxing for 5-6 days a week (still need some relax time :) ) = I never want to retire vs before I wanted to retire as soon as possible.
A good manager helps a direct vs grows a direct
Past:
I used to think that being a good manager meant being great at supporting and helping directs’.
Now:
I feel that too much support and help can actually hinder the growth trajectory of a direct.
If you help too much you ‘give people fish, you don’t teach them to fish’.
I now think the main thing a manager should be focused on is the long term trajectory of a direct (ie growth), not helping. And that at times this means the optimum amount of support to maximise trajectory is zero support (see ‘energising expectations blog)
Exercise: how I moved this from draining to energising
Past:
I used to find exercising really draining.
I did it because you should to ‘be healthy’.
But I would be at the gym after work on the treadmill hating it and it would really drain me. It was such a mental effort to do the exercise.
The story = 1. I have to exercise as it’s healthy but I’m tired and I just want to slump on the couch = exercise is draining.
Now:
I exercise before work when I’m not pooped.
I also listen to podcasts / audiobooks (didn’t use to do this believe it or not) and it’s a joyous time to learn about the world. God I love learning.
I get total peace without anyone slacking me, talking to me, no meetings etc.
So now the story now is: 1. It’s healthy and it actually gives me energy at the start of the day (vs end of the day) * 2. I get to learn all this cool stuff * 3. It’s a time of peacefulness = I look forward to the gym and it’s energising!
Comment:
I changed the story and made it work for me (ie making energising), not me working for the story of ‘you have to exercise to be healthy’ and it being draining.
Child vs romantic partner: how the same ‘stimulus’ can have totally different outcomes
Your child needs emotional support and help growing emotionally => opportunity to help => love the child => energising outcome from stimulus (yay)
Your romantic partner needs emotional support and help growing emotionally (frankly I feel we can all use a bit of this) => the partner is not the perfect snowflake to complete me, if they were the right person I wouldn’t need to do anything => I think we should breakup => draining outcome from the same stimulus.
Comment:
I’ve found I could have had unrealistic and counterproductive stories in my head about romantic relationships in the past that have led to bad outcomes.
I enjoy helping people at work grow, is there any reason I can’t enjoy helping people outside of work grow?
“The purpose of a friend is to make you better than you otherwise would have been.” Socrates.
The story I used to have re romantic partners was that any kind of active growth needed by me for the other person was a sign they weren’t right. (At times) I’ve been able to change this story to one where finding a place to help someone grow is seen as me giving a gift to them and a gift to myself.
Conversation story: trying to move from draining debates to energising discourse
Counterproductive story:
When having a discussion with someone you ‘pick a side which often by design is different to the other party and then try to show demonstrate why your view is right’ AKA draining debate.
You don’t learn, you end up trying to strawman each other and have negative sum emotional tank outcome
Good story
You aren’t out to prove your view right, you are out to learn.
You both know more at the end and have emotional tank more full. Positive sum.
You don’t need to know a lot about a topic to have a conversation and learn about it, you don’t have to have a point of view to have a discussion about something.
Comment:
Unfortunately I think things like politics, debating at school, high school having a right / wrong answer, etc often has the default story about conversing on a topic as it needing to ‘pick a side and then try to show why your view is correct’.
I’ve found this story to be typically counter productive!
One to mull over:
Expectations of a romantic partner:
Ultimate lover, love that lasts a lifetime (ie a ‘love affair’), best friend, intellectual companion, counsellor, etc.
You are looking for the perfect snowflake to complete you… and if they don’t then they are not the right snowflake, find another one!
Let’s contrast this with expectations of work:
Work: you are not expected to know what to do at work vs Romantic Relationship: it should all just work magically)
Work: you are expected to have training on your job vs Romantic Relationship: again, it should work else they are the wrong person
Work: You expect feedback at work vs Romantic Relationship: a romantic partner should just know what you feel, if you have to explain it, they are not the right person
Work: you have a plan for your career vs Romantic Relationship: having a plan for your romantic relationship is… unromantic
I think that life without quality relationships would be unfun. I try to actively foster and build quality, rewarding, mutually positive sum relationships at work and outside of work.
If you work full time then you likely spend more of your waking hours working than doing anything else. Why wouldn’t you want to have epic work relationships?
I also think the set of expectations at work are very conducive to great working relationships.
What grade on the assessment did I expect?
Let’s say you were expecting an ‘A’ and you got a ‘B’, you are unhappy.
But if you were expecting a ‘C’ and you got and ‘B’, you are happy.
This is just a microcosm of how stories everywhere all the time are running us!
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Rules and regulations: indulge me in one adjunct.
Rules = expectations / values / stories (i just put rules as it has the alliteration)
I don’t think most people have clearly articulated to themselves let alone others what they think the story / expectations that work for them are.
Regulation = it’s not enough to have clearly defined values / stories / expectations, you need to implement them well AND update them as and when required.
Taxonomy time:
L1: There are not clearly communicated expectations / principles / values
At times two parties will have different expectations and don’t know they do, this is not a recipe for happiness IMO.
L2: Have clearly communicated principles but they are not regulated well.
Culture downside definition: “Culture is what you are willing to walk past.”
Eg it doesn’t matter if you have a story that discussions are for both parties to learn, not to try and have one crowned victor, if when you have discussions you end up in draining debates. If it is ‘principle’ then you need to say so and try to live by the story you think makes sense.
L3: good expectations regulated well.
This is hard… but I think without this it’s a recipe for unhappiness… so I don’t think it’s optional!