Positive Sum Pushback Approaches - "Every interaction can be positive sum, it doesn't matter if you are disagreeing."

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By Duncan Anderson. To see all blogs click here.

Two Sentence Summary: 

  • The goal is to put forward a different view to someone, have them change their mind and enjoy the process! 

  • The goal is to put forward a different view to someone, be open and flexible to other views, change your view and enjoy the process!

"I don't like that man, I must get to know them better." Abraham Lincoln. 

You learn nothing from people who agree with you. 

Someone who has a different view to me, yay, an opportunity to learn, an opportunity for a mutually positive sum interaction. I must go speak to that person BUT endeavour to have both parties be energised at the end.

Mutually positive sum = 1. where after the discussion both parties are energised + 2. both parties would redo the discussion again if they had their time again + 3. both parties look forward to discussing with each other in the future. 

Jingle: "Yay, someone with a different view to me, I must go have a mutually positive sum interaction with them."

“Every interaction can be positive sum” 

  • "Every interaction can be positive sum, it doesn't matter if you are disagreeing with someone or agreeing with someone, providing constructive feedback or complimenting a strength"

  • "Every interaction can be negative sum, it doesn't matter if you are disagreeing with someone or agreeing with someone, providing constructive feedback or complimenting a strength"

Positive sum pushback approaches:

  • When should you push back? 

    • If you have a medium+ disagreement then should bring it up. 

    • You don't always get onto the same page by the end of the discussion (eg you might need to disagree but commit) but you should always bring up a medium+ point where you don't agree. 

    • As they say 'don't sweat the small things'. 

  • Model for bringing up point where you don't agree = 1. approach + 2. words + 3. tone

  • Possible Pushback Approaches:

    • Option 1: disagree without providing a reason. 

      • Obviously this isn't good. IMO this is never ok. 

    • Option 2: disagree then provide reason but with combative negative sum words and tone  

      • eg I don't agree, I think you missed a crucial point that renders your conclusion invalid. The point is [insert point]

    • Option 3: disagree then provide invalid reason

      • Invalid reason = doesn’t have evidence but needs it. Not all reasons need evidence. However not everything needs evidence, some things are self evident. "You do not require evidence if it's self evident."

      • The two main categories I look at for where problems can come from: 

        • 1. The idea is bad

        • 2. Time. 

          • 2.1 You need to spend 100 hour to save 10 hours. Clearly not worth it! 

          • 2.2 You have a deadline, and the amount of time needed to implement an idea will not be recouped before the deadline.

      • Example of invalid = I don’t know if we have time 

      • vs example of valid = this is a good idea but believe it will take 30 hours meaning that we’ll miss our deadline if we do this. Is it ok if we delay? 

    • Option 4: don’t agree but can’t articulate the reason in the moment => ask for time to consider

      • Sometimes there is something that doesn't sit right with you but you can't articulate what ‘it’ is at the current time. Ask to have time to think about it and say is it ok if I get back to your by [insert date].

      • Don’t agree if you don’t agree, ask for time! 

    • Option 5: disagree then provide valid reason but with positive sum interthinking words and tone 

      • eg I'm not sure I agree. A point I think is worth considering is [insert point]. What are your thoughts on this?

    • Option 6: provide reason then explain what your conclusion is (ie reason first, not second)

      • Eg here is what I think is an interesting [insert point]. I think this points to a conclusion different to what you put forward. Do you have any thoughts on the point I put forward? (ie inviting constructive feedback on your point)

      • I find that often starting with reason before conclusion can be less ‘confrontational’ / more positive sum. 

    • Option 7: asking the other party to help you understand their point of view. 

      • Background: 

        • Let's say there is proposal 1 and proposal 2. you like proposal 1 but the other party like proposal 2. you have already tried 'option 3' but it has fallen flat.

      • What to do now? 

        • Are you able to help me understand your reasons for preferring proposal 2 over proposal 1? 

        • ie you are turning to tables, instead of you trying to explain your point of view, you get the other party to explain their point of view and then you can see if their is a hole in either your or their logic to talk to.