Agreeable Disagreement - A Key Life Skill
/By Duncan Anderson and Kat Gentry. To see all blogs click here.
Reading time: 7 mins
Summary: Agreeable disagreement = look to update one's opinions (ie is open minded) + look after the common good (vs narrow self interest) + look to falsify (ie find reasons why what you believe is incorrect vs confirmation bias) + give yourself and others enough rope to change your minds gracefully + publically change opinions and explain why
Facts vs Ideas
Fact = there is a right and wrong. Eg today is Wednesday. Eg a coffee costs $4.
Ideas = there is no right and wrong, there is just your current best view on the idea (opinion) that can always be upgraded. Eg how to best spend your wednesday. Eg how to best make a coffee.
Jingle: if your opinion cannot be ‘right’ (ie cannot never be upgraded), then the only thing you can be right about is being... wrong. Ah haha!
“Be hard on your opinions. A famous bon mot asserts that opinions are like assholes, in that everyone has one. There is great wisdom in this, but I would add that opinions differ significantly from assholes, in that yours should be constantly and thoroughly examined.” Tim Minchin.
Not all your facts are right :(
You cannot personally originate all of your facts. You need to rely on others. Eg have you personally been collecting data on if the climate is warming? Or do you rely on the 97% of scientists who say that it is? I personally haven’t been tracking weather patterns. But I’ve seen documentaries like Chasing Coral and Chasing Ice as well as seen that glaciers have been receding with my own eyes. I’m comfortable to go with the 97%.
As you cannot originate all your facts you need to rely on others for some of your facts. IMO it’s therefore super important to try and know which of your facts are wrong!
“You can choose your opinions (ie point of view on an idea), but you cannot choose your facts.” Said someone I can’t remember!
IMO your ideas and opinions (views on ideas) are built on facts. So try very hard to falsify your facts.
Falsification = trying to disprove something. If you cannot disprove it therefore is correct!
The foundation of a good life is as close an understanding of reality as possible. All else is built on top of this! If your facts are wrong nothing else can be right!
IMO some of my facts are wrong. I don’t know which ones. Help me try to route them out. I’ll try do the same for you!
Your opinions can never be ‘right’ :)
“One cannot accept that on every story there are two equal and logical sides to an argument.” Edward R Morrow
I used to try and figure out what my opinion was and then justify justify justify.
Now I’m constantly trying to find how I can:
1. Upgrade my opinion, and
2. Find where my current opinion works and where it stops working.
“Everything works somewhere, nothing works everywhere.”
Confirmation bias = the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or opinions.
Confirmation bias = disregarding information that goes against your opinions.
I used to think that changing my mind on an opinion was real bad. I used to do confirmation bias.
Now I think changing my opinion on an idea is real good. I try to not do confirmation bias.
“Changing your mind is a super power.” Ray Dalio.
IMO to live a good life you 1. Need to have your facts right and 2. Be constantly upgrading your opinions.
If you can’t agreeably disagree with yourself and others I think it’ll be much harder to achieve this!
As such IMO agreeable disagreement is a key life skill.
I try to cultivate my ability to agreeably disagree with myself. I try to cultivate this in others. I try to agreeably disagree with others. I try to have others around me who agreeably disagree.
This, I hope you can agree, should put you in a good pedigree!
Opinion Dominions
L1: You have no opinion
L2: You spout other peoples’ opinions
L3: You generate your own opinions from a mix of other peoples’ opinions
L4: You research independently to form your own opinion
L5: You research independently to form your opinion AND you listen to other peoples’ opinions for context and potential learnings
L6: L5 + you discuss opinions to find where they break and so you can upgrade yours’
L7: L6 + you listen to your network to understand the stories other people tell themselves, then let this fine-tune your opinion of how the public opinion interacts with the zeitgeist
L8: L7 + help others upgrade their opinions
Your opinions work for you, you don’t work for your opinions.
I used to try and slavishly justify my opinions on ideas.
*aside:
I sometimes refer to opinions as ‘little theorems that help me navigate the world better than not having them’. I try to know how the theorem helps, how it hinders, where it works and where it doesn’t.
I think the work ‘theorem’ is far more ‘growth mindset’ than is ‘opinion’.
In my opinion, I should use the word ‘theorem’ instead of ‘opinion’ ;).
Now I try to have my opinions help me navigate the world.
I try to have my opinions make me a better person and improve the common good.
Reasonable people can have different opinions about what is the best strategy to help the common good.
I think that if someone is trying hard to figure out what is best for the common good then awesome! If someone is looking after their narrow self interest then not so good!
Having many reasonable views on how to improve the common good is… good. Trying to tear down a reasonable view that helps the common good that isn’t your view (opinion) is… bad.
Good > Bad. Haha ;)!
I used to like people who agreed with me. Now I like people who thoughtfully disagree with me.
I used to think that if you had the same opinion as me you were smart… good looking, had a strong moral compass, a good work ethic… you were just generally awesome ;P
Now, I care not about what you think, I care about how you think. If you are trying to help the common good, if you are trying to falsify, if you are trying to update your opinion and help others update their opinion then awesome!
Thoughtful disagreement = agreeable disagreement.
Give the other person enough rope to change their mind gracefully. Give yourself enough rope to gracefully change your mind.
IMO you are not having word combat where two opinions enter and one leaves.
You are trying to have positive sum interactions.
Negative sum = debate
Zero sum = discussion
Positive sum = discourse
Positive sum = you enjoyed discussing different opinions / theorems with someone else and look forward to doing so again. Negative sum… not so much!
You are not going into the discussion trying to change their opinion / theorem. You are trying to see how you and they might be able to upgrade your respective opinions / theorems.
IMO you can never be ‘right’ about an idea. Your theorems / opinions can and IMO should always look to be updated.
Changing your mind is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of self awareness.
Often, if a politician changes their opinion on an idea it is career ending.
IMO a prerequisite for someone becoming a politician should be that they have publically changed their view (opinion) on multiple ideas.
If your view on ideas can always be updated, the only thing you can be right about is being wrong (that your opinion is unupdatable).
Not only do I want to change my opinions when it makes sense. I want to publicly explain why I’m changing my opinion (how I’ve been able to upgrade my theorem). This is not something I’m ashamed of, it’s something I’m proud of. I didn’t use to think this way.
I hope to upgrade my opinions indefinitely. I hope to help others do the same. I hope others help me upgrade my opinions indefinitely. This definitely sounds like fun! Indefinite, definite, fun!
… is it agreeable disagreement, or disagreeing agreeably? I think we can all agree that the latter is disagreeable!
PS I love playing with language. Just so much fun! A good sentence gives me as much joy as eating a chocolate!